i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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