YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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