using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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