Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
