Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
