I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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