Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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