She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
