it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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