i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
