My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
