I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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