i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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