im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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