I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
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