I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
