I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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