You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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