you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
