Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
