idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Randomize
