I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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