We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
