is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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