I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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