you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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