So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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