3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
this is an emotional support booty call
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
