update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
