She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
