Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
it was like eating out sand paper
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
