last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
