Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
