After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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