ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
