Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
