Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
