At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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