i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize