the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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