I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
