You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
