I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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