he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
