I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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