i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
