I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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