Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I cannot find my penis.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I need a burrito and a hug.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
