I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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