Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
