How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
