Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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