Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Just high enough for therapy.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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