yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
