I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
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