I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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