I'm pants shitting drunk right now
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
